But today I have to break that cycle.
Today I want to celebrate...
Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop confirming plans for our upcoming fundraiser next weekend and although my heart is anxious, I'm beyond joyful dreaming about that fact that next year at this time, I might be preparing a Thanksgiving meal with a baby in my home. Simply the thought of that bubbles over with laughter and joy in my heart.
Yes, this journey is difficult. It's hard. It's painful.
But it's also full of joy.
Lately I've been reflecting on what my life would be like had none of this happened. What would my life look like if we had just been able to get pregnant?
It would look different. Not bad, but different.
In this journey I have learned so much about myself, about my marriage, about my friends and about who my gracious and powerful God is. And you know what, I wouldn't trade any of that. If I had to choose, I think I would choose to have to start this all over again.
In the past year I have experienced pain in a way that I never have before in my life. I have never felt so hurt. I have never felt so sensitive to words. I don't think I've ever cried more. I don't think I've ever felt so strongly the need to prove myself to others who are in charge my ability to adopt that I'm going to be a good mom. I have never felt more isolated and alone.
But I can also contrast all that by telling you that I've also probably never had more faith and hope than I do now. I have never experienced a community of support in the way that i have now. I have never felt as humbled. I can tell you that I've never felt God work in my life as real and personal as the ways that he is doing now. I've never felt more broken on my knees in prayer and yet so full of power and hope at the same time because I have a God that is not bound by my circumstance
Today I am struck by the fact that my God is greater.
My God is stronger.
My God is faithful.
My God has a plan.
My God means all this for good.
My God is able to stand next to me in these moments, hold my hand and say, "It's okay Amanda. I already died for all this pain. Let me handle it."
What a powerful and beautiful thing that is to realize.
And so today I celebrate and choose to be joyful in this.
Once I was mourning. Now I am dancing in joy that only my God can provide.
My God is GOOD.
Prayer Requests (11/27/13)
- Praise for what we have been learning in this process and what God is doing in our lives.
- Prayer for our first home study interview next week in Chicago. Prayer that we will be able to move quickly through this process and be licensed.
- Prayer for our upcoming fundraiser to run smoothly and that we can celebrate with our community about the joy of Christmas and adoption.