Tonight, I sit and stair and the Christmas tree in front of me. Usually at this time of year, I'm the giddy one that wants to shake every single present under the tree and who anxiously counts down the days until Christmas morning. I may be 25, but my heart is 6 at Christmas.
But this year feels different...
My heart has been heavy this holiday season.
I told Jarrod last night through tears that I officially feel like I'm feeling Christmas like an adult would feel it. Gone is the giddiness.
Christmas is a beautiful, joyous season, but this season I'm struggling to look beyond and see that there is more.
This year I'm reflecting on my hopes and dreams for what I wanted this Christmas. I remember last year at this time very well. I remember looking around at my family and getting excited that there'd be one more of us next year. I remember watching my nephew open up his presents last Christmas and getting excited for helping our little one rip paper off a box next year.
I'm not trying to dwell on the past. But the reality is that this is hard this Christmas. It's hard to notice that it's still just the two of us and our dogs that will wake up on Christmas morning. Just the two of us will be going over to celebrate with family. It's still just the two of us...
For some reason this pain has just resonated in my heart more than usual the past few days. It aches more than I expected it to.
During one of our visits with our social worker, she told me something that felt very freeing for me. She said that it's normal to have different periods of grief where suddenly the pain swells and you hurt for a while while you work through whatever circumstance brought about the pain. This made me feel normal...
Because lately I've felt like it's not okay for me to show that I'm hurting through this.
But how can I deny that reality?
I heard a song today that I resonated with (see the song below).... The song: May You Find a Light by the Brilliance.... It's beautiful and is the prayer that I feel so strongly right now: Lord, would you help me find the light? Would you reach down and know my pain and carry me through it? Would you guide us home to our baby? Would you direct our decisions, our conversations, and our hopes/dreams/emotions over the next few weeks? Would you lead us?
I know that God is working....I have no doubt. And, even though I'm hurting, I can still cling to that without a doubt in my heart because my God is ALWAYS good. My God knows that baby and birth mom by name already.
So now I pray for a little light amidst what feels like a dark season to me....I know my God is good and He sent his only Son this season as a light...So in the darkness I'm still choosing to cling to that truth.