Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Normalizing

The past month of our lives has been crazy. I've experienced and struggled through emotions that I never expected to before. And today, I'm being reminded once again how to take my hands off the steering wheel in this adoption process.

Let me explain:

Two weeks ago our social worker came and inspected our home to be licensed. When our social worker came we were planning for our licensing to be complete by the next Wednesday. She had assured us a few weeks earlier that we were going to get it all done by January 15. While she sat in our perfectly cleaned living room (did I mention it was perfectly cleaned - almost like a model home...) she decided to push our interviews back yet again to today. 

Okay, I thought. She knows what she's doing. She knows that we would like to get this finished as quickly as possible

So, today came and we drove into suburban Chicago for our final series of interviews. Only to find out that she didn't schedule enough time with us to get it all done today so now we need to wait until next week to do a conference call with her to complete it. Ugh...another week.

When we started this process almost six months ago...Yes, it's seriously been six months already... we were told we'd be licensed by Thanksgiving. Now just a few weeks short of two holidays after our initial completion date, we are still not done and our dates still keep getting pushed back.

I struggle in all of this not to let myself wonder what it would be like had we decided to go with the other agency that we looked at for our home study. Would we be done by now if they licensed us?

But I can't let myself go there...

And then we have to wait for our fingerprints. Yep...Almost five months to the date that we submitted them, our fingerprints have still not come back from the FBI. Oh my goodness...seriously we have no criminal background!! I mean I've never even gotten a speeding ticket!

So I remind myself that even if our agency had rushed through our licensing, we would still be waiting on our fingerprints... There's nothing more that they can do about it. You wanna know the best part of not having fingerprints back? If they're not back by February 8, then our social worker has to come back to my no longer spotless home and redo that inspection! Oh my goodness...I can't even allow myself to think about how I'll be feeling if that happens.

But then... we have to wait for the written report of our licensing to be completed once our fingerprints have actually come back. Our social worker said today that we're hoping that this should be done by mid-February.... Oh gosh, mid-February seems like a decade away to me right now.

Although I was told time and time again that there'd be a whole lot of waiting in this process, I never expected the waiting to feel like this. Every inch of me feels the urgency to get this done so that we can get closer to our child. But it appears that the state does not feel that same sense of urgency.

I promise that the idea of this post was not to complain at all, although I'm sure that it could easily appear that way. The purpose of this post is to say this:

Do you ever look at God's timing and wonder what the heck he's doing in all of this. Why would he allow us to go through all of these emotions just to continue to wait and to continue to long for a child to be ours? Yet, then I have to ask the following: would it really matter how quickly we get through this if God already has that baby picked out for us? This timing, however slow it may seem, already is the perfect timing in his mind.

Day after day is different in the adoption process. Some days I'm as content as can be to let God do his thing and work out all the details and timing. Other days I'm chomping at the bit to just be one step closer than we were yesterday. And other days, it doesn't feel like we're adopting at all because life just seems to go on normally, just as it would any other day.

Two weeks ago, Jarrod and I were on our way home from small group and we drove past the building that I work out of. Without going into too much detail, that sweet school has experienced so many hardships over the past few years and God brought them through those difficult times with great strength. The building that we are currently in is a beautiful building that was the dream of so many individuals for so many years. Yet the road to get to that building was long, difficult, and full of many many emotions. Moving into that building was an incredibly momentous occasion. Now, after 5 months of having my office rest in that beautiful building, I have to remind myself of the difficult times and the momentous occasion that finally moved the school into that building. Without minimizing the wonderful story behind it, being in that building almost just feels normal to me now. Yet there was such a long journey and a joyous moment to get into the building.

Driving past this building sparked a thought in my mind: The road to bring our baby home, is obviously not without its incredible trials. The road to bring our baby home will be the fulfillment of a dream that we've held close in our hearts for very long. The road will be filled with many laughs and many tears. It will be filled with questions. It will be filled with waiting. 

Yet, someday, the fruition of the journey will almost feel normal to us. Although, we will never minimize the road that God led us down, someday there will be a pleasant normalization of this journey. 

Someday, we will just be parents - dad and mom - to our child. Yet the road to get there was nothing short of a miracle.

Somedays I just have to cling to that fact. Somedays I have to cling to the fact that although this process is moving slowly, God isn't moving at all. He's right next to me the whole time and he's guiding us slowly every step of the way. I trust that he will grant us the pleasure of feeling like our journey is 'normal' someday and I can't wait to feel that emotion.


Prayer Requests: Would you join us in praying that our fingerprints come back so that we can complete this process?


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