Friday, February 14, 2014

The 'Two Week Wait'

Disclaimer: My goal in this blog from the very beginning was that I was committed to being honest about every step of the adoption process and the feelings that accompany each step. This post is honest and real...

I almost laughed a little when I titled this post. Most women would recognize the phrase 'two week wait' as the phrase referring to the dreaded season of trying to conceive between the time that a woman ovulates until she can begin to test to see if she's pregnant. It's truly a dreaded season, especially if you've been trying for a while... However, I've recently become acquainted with a much worse version of waiting. 

Now that we are licensed, our work is ‘done.’ As mentioned in my previous post, now we have the “joy” of sitting back and waiting to be matched to the right baby, the right family, the ‘right’…everything.

In my last post I also mentioned that before Jarrod and I were even officially licensed we were approached about 3 different birth family situations that we could choose to present our profile book to. That number has grown even more still and we are still praying through what those specific situations look like for us and whether they are ‘right’ for our family. And I’ll tell you that these are not easy decisions. In fact, these decisions and this time in our adoption has been weighing very heavily on me since last Monday.

During this time, I know that God's already got our baby set aside for us and, not for one moment, do I doubt that. But there are still so many emotions involved in the waiting, the hoping, the dreaming... It's almost impossible to separate yourself from the thought. Or at least it is for me...

And although this part of the journey is a whole new type of waiting, I will wait because, whenever we are matched to our baby, it will be worth every second of this wait. Yes...this ‘waiting’ feeling is much worse than waiting two weeks to pee on a stick and then not having those two magical pink lines appear. At least in my world, this waiting is much worse.

I'm not sure that I've felt this much anxiety in my life in a long time...or maybe even ever. It's a strange feeling knowing that Jarrod and I have the opportunity to choose to let someone else see a glimpse of our lives through our profile book. And then that someone else will look at our faces and our lives in a book and, based on that book, will decide if they want us to parent their baby. There's something a little nerve-wrecking about that thought.

I've been trying to pinpoint why I think it's so much worse and why I've been feeling so much tension, stress, etc. during this wait. Last night it finally dawned on me. I suppose this seems like a no-brainer in the world of adoption, but, honestly, it never crossed my mind in this capacity until now: My ability to become a mom is lying in someone else's hands. My ability to eventually hear the little pitter-patter of feet across my floor is resting in the depths of someone else's decision.

...This fact is hard for me. It opens up wounds and insecurities that I thought I had dealt with some time ago in highschool... It makes me ask questions like 'Am I good enough for someone to choose me?' 'What if they don't like me?' 'What, about me, wouldn't they like?' 'Am I not pretty enough?' 'Does our life look boring?' 'Are we not 'cool' enough?' 'What happens if we make the wrong decisions?' 'Am I second best to someone else?' These are difficult questions that are beginning to surface for me and, honestly, I'm struggling through them in a way that I haven't had to before.

For the past two weeks, I have wanted to hide under my covers and not come out until I know that someone’s deemed us ‘worthy’. I've been excited and scared, bold and hesitant, faithful and faithless.

How do I balance these questions?
How do I balance these resurfacing insecurities?
How do I balance my role in all of this?

This 'two week wait'...whether it's actually two weeks or not... is surely a test of faith for me. I'm not giving up, but I'm walking this path slower than before. Each step feels a little heavier and loses a little bit of its bounce. I'm treading carefully now because…well…I'm scared. My heart is really on the line now and it's almost completely impossible to protect it from here on out.

I keep thinking, "Can I do this? Can we get through this wait?" I know we can. But I'm realizing more and more each day in this process that we, that I, cannot do it alone and that God definitely has to have a purpose for this time.

Today as I was in the middle of writing this post, I found this quote and I think it's the perfect resolution to my very real and personal thoughts today, so I will share it. Surely God knows why we wait and He has a plan.... I'm choosing, although it hurts sometimes, to continue to cling to that promise.

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