This morning when I woke up knowing the event is over, I felt like I had gained my life (or at least some of my free time) back. In many ways, I was happy to be so busy during this season because it kept me from thinking about the waiting of our adoption process. It kept me busy and kept my mind sidetracked. I've held off on any nursery projects since we were matched so that, once this event was done, I'd have something to keep me busy until baby S comes home.
But this morning, my lack of a to-do list, brought a new set of emotions up: fear. This morning my fear of the situation set in some. The 'what-ifs' of our adoption became overwhelming. The excitement fizzled for a bit. Fear set in.
I almost feel guilty typing this and letting these emotions be known - as if I might be condemned for feeling this way or as if someone might be thinking "I told you so" or that it's about time that I start getting fearful. I feel like I'm a bad expecting mother by allowing fear to sink in this morning. But today, I'm choosing to be vulnerable with these feelings.
I've felt little moments of fear in the past couple months. I've had moments where the fear has overcome me so intensely that I sit and weep for a few minutes because I simply can't hold it in. But I'll only express these things in the comfort of my home because I'm afraid of being judged for this fear. I'm afraid people won't know how to respond to it. I'm afraid of feeling unsupported in this emotion. I'm afraid of letting myself be weak just for a few moments.
As I let this fear control me this morning, I reached for my 'Jesus Calling' devotional praying that the words in there today would remind my heart of how to control this fear. The devotional this morning directed me towards 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. It reads,
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight moment affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
The 'seen' is our adoption.
The 'unseen' is God's plan throughout it all.
The 'what-ifs' cannot control me because God's will in this is so much greater. We very well may not go through any of the 'what-ifs' that paralyze me every single day. However, some how I have to trust in the Lord that if He leads us down the path of my worst imaginable 'what-if', that He will have a plan and He will support us and find others to support us in that moment.
My foundation cannot be the 'what-ifs' of our adoption. Instead I have to find my foundation in the Lord and his unwavering, rock solid plan. That if my world comes crashing down, that He will not leave me in that moment and He will provide a way out as I lean on Him.
I look to Him today and surrender my fear to Him. I cannot hold this weight alone.
God's perspective of our adoption is so much better than my own. I pray that I can see things like He does, rather than through the lens of my fear.
(As I write this, I'm listening to "GOD I LOOK TO YOU" BY BETHEL MUSIC.)