Today marks two weeks since we were matched to our daughter. Already it feels like it's been so much long and that we should be so much closer to meeting her. Four more months to go.... August 7th cannot come soon enough (Oh ya... her due date got moved up - YAY!).
So much emotion has gone into the past few weeks: Much much excitement. Lots of anxiety and nervousness. Lots of trust and vulnerability. A whole lot of trust.
I have no intention to stop writing this blog now that we are matched. In fact, I have every intention for this blog to become a space for me to reference every step of our journey to our daughter. I'm already day-dreaming about fun blog posts after she's home with us. But I've been quiet the past few weeks because it's been incredibly hard to describe what the past few weeks have been like. This part of our adoption journey brings a whole new set of joys and excitements. But it also brings new trials, fears, insecurities, and questions that we have to slowly wade through.
Don't get me wrong: I certainly don't want to belittle what has happened. Believe me, we are beyond thrilled and astounded at God's faithfulness in this particular match. There is already so much more pink in this house than there has possibly ever been. I smile every single time I walk up into our nursery only to remind myself that in four months they'll be a baby greeting me when I walk into that room. Jarrod and I already speak of our daughter as if she's already here and a finite part of our family because, really, she already is.
I haven't met this sweet little girl yet, nor have I seen much of her face outside of a profile on an ultrasound photo from a couple months ago. But already I love her more than I even tell you. She's already so much a part of me and who I am. I'm already this sweet baby girl's mama.
But it has been a strange couple weeks figuring out the journey that's ahead of us for the next few months. We are getting to know the birth parents and, while we've loved every time that we've spoken with them, the reality about an open adoption, is that the beginning stages of this relationship are incredibly awkward. We are growing a relationship with another couple based on an unnatural common interest. Plain and simple, it is just unnatural.
And yet, it's so beautiful at the same time. It pushes me out of my comfort zone and requires me daily to continue to rely on the Lord's strength and wisdom. It requires me to begin to work at a relationship with someone that I've never even met in person that we will get to know in an incredibly intimate way in just a few months. I lack words for the beauty that comes from this. It reminds me of Mary and Joseph and how inevitably awkward those initial few months of Mary's pregnancy might have been for Joseph.... or even moments throughout Jesus's life, as Joseph was reminded that Jesus was not his 'blood.' Yet Joseph was still an earthly, 'adoptive' father that parented Jesus as if He came from Joseph's gene pool. Awkward...yet beautiful, right?
God has blessed us with what feels like, in this moment, such a rare journey that so few people get to personally experience the beauty of. And sadly, there are so many sad stigmas associated with adoption, especially an open adoption. The beauty of it is too easily dismissed. I've been blessed over the past few weeks to be able to recognize gift in our lives.
Every day, even in the fearful moments, I remind myself that God has chosen this awkward, yet beautiful path for our family. And truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way.