This is in part because mommy life is busy. Contrary to the common misconception that stay-at-home moms do nothing all day, I will say that I feel busy all day long. Like I've accomplished a lot and yet accomplished nothing at the same time. By the time I get through all the bottles and diapers and dishes, I'm shocked to look up and see my husband already walking through the door from a day at work. Seriously people...days fly by.
But this isn't the primary reason for my silence.
Over the past couple months, as Jarrod and I traveled back and forth to Florida in anticipation of Madison's birth, so much has happened. So many people have supported us unconditionally without prying for details of why exactly we were so worn down from this journey. And although now is the not the time and, currently, this is not the place to share those details, I have found it incredibly difficult to reflect and continue to write posts on this space without sharing those intimate details that make up such a large part of our story this summer and our journey to bringing Madison home.
The truth is, that even now, I ask God why He chose us for this road. I wonder what made Him choose us to endure what we did. I trust that He has a plan. Sometimes I just want to know why.
God is so good. I don't doubt that.
My faith is not wavering in Him or His plan for our family. He obviously knew the perfect plan to bring us face-to-face with our precious baby girl.
But it's been easy to resent some of the emotions we had to experience to get here. I've been needing to pray for the God to break my hearts some and that He would allow me to experience more compassion for what we've been through... More forgiveness... More grace.
Some day I hope to be able to share the details of what God has done and the miracles that He has worked so visibly in this process over the past couple of months. I hope that someday your jaw will drop in amazement at how good our God is in all circumstances. I hope that I can share in that moment with you, as we both cry tears of heartbreak and, yet, tears of joy too.
But in the meantime, I have to recognize one thing - we were never alone in this. God knew from the very beginning what the details of our journey would look like. He knew what He would bring us to and what He would bring us through.
Yesterday, during church, my heart broke during a worship song. Today, I want to break my streak of silence and share this song with you. I pray that you can take a step back from whatever situation you might find yourself in today and recognize how God leads us through all circumstances when we seek Him first.